


Fander Pride Meet Up 2020

by starlocked



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: AU characters, Aphobia, Basically the names are really close to the canon sides, Fanders Sides, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Sanders Sides, Jessica Locked, Light Sadism, Loren Locked, Other, Padgett Locked, Queer Platonic Partners, Questioning, Questioning self worth, Reegan Locked, Rose Locked, Sanders Sides - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, These would be my sides because this is my story, Vira Locked, aphobic comments, but they dress similarly and act pretty similarly to the canon sides, cursing, cuss words, i'm not thomas I say fork, qpp, whoever you think it's supposed to be it is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:20:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24499324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlocked/pseuds/starlocked
Summary: Meet the sides of Star Locked as we discover some things about ourself. This is for the 2020 Fander Pride Online Meet up! Check out the event on the tumblr blog @fander-pride-meetup
Relationships: nblw - Relationship, queer platonic - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Week 1: Realization - Like Lightning in the Midst of the Storm

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1 Meet Loren and Vira making a pretty big discovery

_ tap tap tap tap tap _

Loren stared intently at the screen, analyzing and weighing each option carefully.

_ tap tap tap tap tap tap _

Looking up, they rolled their shoulders back and took a steadying breath.

_ tap tap tap tap tap t- _

“Vira, please. I’m doing my best,” Loren straightened their tie and turned to look over their shoulder at the nervous side as she tried to reign in the energy. Loren could not allow Star to lose more sleep over this issue but the constant fidgeting made it more difficult for them to focus.

“We spent 23 years on the wrong track. It was a bad time. We can’t be wrong again. But what if we are wrong? Now, we’ve been open about who we are. People could be disappointed and they will turn on Star!” Vira tapped on the back of the couch even faster, arm wrapped around the logical side’s neck in an almost loose headlock, her chin on their shoulder as she read along with Loren’s research. Any other day just the physical comfort of Loren’s cool collected presence would have helped immensely.

Loren sighed, “We are asexual. That is a fact. We all spent a long time coming to that conclusion and we did not get it wrong. The human experience is infinitely complex and the range of emotions and feelings practically unlimited. However, humans also have a tendency to name their experiences so that others can share and identify with them. That’s why we’re doing this research. I need you to let me work.” Loren reached over and gently laid a hand on top of the tapping hand, “we will figure it out, I promise.”

“You know that’s not how I work,” Vira grumbled.

Loren thought for a moment and opened up the Spotify app on the laptop, going to a bookmarked playlist they had made for their anxious partner. They took in a deeper breath as they felt the arm on their neck loosen and rubbed their thumb across the side of Vira’s hand. “I also know how you do work. And I need you here because when I find the answer, you’ll know it and that will be proof for me that it’s right.” They nuzzled Vira’s cheek for a moment before turning their attention back to the screen.

After several more minutes of scrolling lists of different queer identities, Loren decided to look closer at the aromantic spectrum, not sure that it was the right direction but wanting to cover every base. Vira had since moved from behind the couch to sitting on the armrest and leaning against Loren as they studied, following along for the most part but occasionally spacing out to sing along with the music. Right now she was singing along with “Be Calm” and wasn’t paying attention to the screen. Loren allowed themself a small smile before returning to the list of identity terms.

It felt like a jolt of lightning. Loren leaned forward, rereading the simple word and definition. Vira felt the shift and tuned back in. “what did you find?”

Loren mouthed the word to themself before registering the question and repeating it out loud. “Frayromantic...”

“What does that mean?”

“Romantic attraction for strangers that quickly fades as one gets to know the person of their attraction” Loren read directly from the screen.  
“That... sounds so fake... But you literally just described Rose when I don’t mess with her crushes. But that’s also not the feeling we were trying to describe… Loren?” 

Loren sat quietly, metaphorical gears in their head turning rapidly as Vira spoke. “This explains so much. This practically explains that time I tried to throw all of you out..” Vira sat up, stung by the memory. 

“Are you good, Loren? Like, are you feeling okay?”

Loren covered their mouth with their hand, whispering the word over and over again. They looked up at Vira. “I’m sorry. I got distracted from what we were looking for. I’ll look harder now,” they shook their head and turned back to the screen when Vira reached over and gently shut the laptop.

“It’s okay. I’ll manage if it takes longer to figure out this whole thing. Self-discovery doesn’t always happen over one google search,” Vira sighed and rested a hand on Loren’s shoulder. “Sorry for pushing you so hard today. I’m like 90% sure we’ll have tomorrow to keep looking.”  
“The chances of passing away in our sleep as a moderately healthy young person are _infinitesimal_ so yes, we’ll have tomorrow,” they stretched and wrapped an arm around Vira before pulling her down off the armrest. “Thank you.” 

Something had felt very right about frayromantic, but for now, they were not unhappy to be able to spend time with their understanding partner, cuddling together, and neither of them worrying about bigger questions.


	2. Week 2: Coming Out - Level of Concern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rather important engagement that brings a lot more sides to the table.

The drone of the highway was a constant background as Star sped along, radio playing too loudly in an effort to drown it all out.

> _ Am I the only one I know _
> 
> _ Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat  _

From behind her Star heard bickering.

“She’s just gonna call us out for faking it for attention”

“Vira, really now? I thought you liked Star’s friends. How could you say something so horrible about her?” the dark sarcasm dripping from Jessica’s words was almost metallic and smooth.

“It’s a big deal, okay? God, you’re unbearable. Why aren’t you worried, Jessie?” Vira glared at the other side who hissed at the nickname.

“Because I know that Star doesn’t want to lie about it,” Jessica tossed her hair over her shoulder and scoffed, “I thought you of all sides would know that.” 

“But what if she doesn’t think ace is LGBTQ+?” Vira pleaded. “I am almost begging you to protect us right now. Why won’t you help me? It’s not even a lie, you just have to keep the others quiet.”

Star growled to herself. “You two need to shut up.”

“And stop talking about us like we’re not here!” Padgett popped up in the front passenger seat. They waved happily at Star then turned around to face the two sides in the back. “Vira, I am surprised at you! It’s not like you to want to lie to Star’s friends, especially about something so personal.”  
Vira shrunk into herself, bangs falling over her eyes. “It’s not lying, it’s just not bringing it up. I don’t see-” she was interrupted by Loren rising up into the middle of the back seat.

“Vira, we know that Irene is queer. We are literally driving to spend the weekend with her and her girlfriend. She has known Star for years and they have always shared in these kinds of emotional self-revelations. Regardless of her stance on asexuality, she will be kind and understanding. Irene cares about us.” the logical side adjusted their glasses. “Padgett is correct, you’re not acting in a consistent manner.”

“Well, you can’t exactly be mad at me for being nervous right now.” Vira pulled away as Loren tried to rest their hand on hers. 

“Seriously do any of you ever chill?” Star gripped the wheel tighter.

> _ I have these thoughts, so often I ought _
> 
> _ To replace that slot with what I once bought _
> 
> _ 'Cause somebody stole my car radio _
> 
> _ And now I just sit in silence _

She sighed as the various sides sat quietly trying to ignore each other in the now crowded car.

* * *

Succulents were about the queerest thing Star could imagine. Of course, Irene had wanted to go shopping for gardening supplies while they caught up. The greatest thing about a lifelong friend had to be how every conversation felt like a continuation of the one they had months ago despite the complete change in time and scenery.

“So, besides work what have you been up to?” Irene was prodding, Star could tell.

“Well, watching a lot of cartoons, wasting time on Tumblr, moderating a Discord server..” she trailed off, turning to look at some ferns with cool leaf markings, hoping she sounded casual enough. Vira was cursing from her corner of the mind and Star could feel her heart rate rising.

“Oh, Discord? Sandra is on a couple of servers. What’s the one you’re on about?”

Vira started screaming, “FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

“Uhhhh..” Star could barely think over Vira’s shouts.

“Just say it,” Jessica said quietly but emphatically.

“Well, it’s a positivity server for people on the asexual and aromantic spectrums,” as soon as the words left her mouth, Vira stopped screaming and just started searching for a place to hide. It was difficult to breathe, much less concentrate on Irene’s response.

“Oh cool, do you identify as asexual?” Irene asked very directly. 

“Yes… and frayromantic” Star replied hesitantly. Loren nodded their approval. 

“That’s awesome! What’s frayromantic?” Irene smiled and Vira began to breathe again, the panic starting to subside as Star explained the label. “Wow, that sounds exactly like you, Star.”

“Really? You think so?”

“Yeah you’ve always been like that about guys”

“Yeah.. that’s… true.” Star smiled, relieved as they kept chatting and looking at plants. 

“Your parents won’t take it this easy on you,” Vira whispered.

“We literally don’t need to worry about that ever,” Jessica chastised the anxious side and smirked proudly at Star. “She doesn’t have to tell them anything. Found family is the queer trope anyway, right?”

“Well Irene sure is like family for us,” Padgett beamed. “It’s too bad the twins had to miss this.”

“Really?” Vira and Jessica asked in unison.

“Yes?” Padgett grimaced. “They’re part of us too..”

“Let’s just relax at this moment, you’ve already caused Star to miss like a whole minute of what Irene is saying,” Loren looked towards each of the other sides while directing Star’s focus back to the conversation. “This went adequately. We’ll strategize better next time.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been such a good time and we've barely scratched the surface of pride month! don't forget to check out @fander-pride-meetup on tumblr for all kinds of amazing art and stories relating to Pride and Sides!


	3. Week 3: Hardship - I Don't Want To Fall Fall Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the sides have an intense discussion this week about identity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Specific content warnings this chapter for descriptions of thoughts of self-harm, non-specific suicidal ideation, desire to harm others, and aphobic comments. Reegan is a lot like Remus from canon, just not as sexual.

“Do it!”

“Don't!”

“Do it!”

“Don't!”

“Do it!”

“Don't!”

“Really, why are you encouraging this behavior, Vira?” Loren was exasperated, trying to hold apart the bickering sides.

“He started it,” Vira glared at the other who was nonchalantly picking at excess nail polish on his rainbow-colored fingertips.

“Rose started it, I’m just giving you a push off the cliff,” Reegan chuckled.

“Don’t bring me into this! I was just  _ daydreaming…  _ I wasn’t trying to actually suggest anything,” Rose punched her twin in the shoulder. “You’re sick! Trying to twist my ideas? Come up with your own, Reegan.”

“So we’re not going to just cut them off?” Reegan growled, “will you at least let me cut something? Or someone?”

“NO!” was the responding chorus from each of the other sides. Padgett stood from the couch where they were making bracelets and to try and cheer up and grabbed the knife the dark side had conjured. They put a solid hand on his shoulder.

“You know we can’t do that, dear. None of that will make Star feel better. I know it’s not really how you work but you need to switch tracks and think of something else.”

“I agree with Padgett,” Loren cut in. They adjusted their glasses before continuing, “causing Star to want to harm herself is not acceptable. They don’t have the budget to cover an emergency room visit, much less a cosmetic surgery. The body functions properly, we need to not encourage Star to ruin that balance.”

“Hurting herself will only bring about far too many questions for me to answer without outing Star. I do not want to pull overtime over a stunt, Reegan,” Jessica barely looked up from the couch where she had been reading and keeping Padgett company. 

Reegan gave a long drawn out sigh before sitting down in the middle of the living room, muttering all kinds of twisted thoughts involving pain and death. 

Vira pulled her hoodie tight over her head, hands to her ears. “Nooooooooooooooo this is worse!” Loren led her to the couch, sitting her down, taking her hands in theirs, and reciting facts about the diamond industry to distract her from Reegan’s tirade. Jessica returned to their book and Padgett went over to comfort Rose. 

“Hey Rosebud, why… was Star daydreaming about that at all? Don’t you like being feminine?” Padgett tried to be as gentle as possible, rubbing the creative side’s back. She crossed her arms, hugging herself.

“I can’t be the only one who sees it… you see it, right Padge?”

“See what, dear?” Padgett looked on sympathetically.

“Us.”

Vira looked up from the couch and asked, “what do you mean 'us'?”

Rose struggled not to cry, “We’re... Not all women… and I think Star is starting to realize that maybe she isn’t either”

“Well, it would be a good thing to have a better grasp of her gender. Did she enjoy your daydream before Reegan interrupted?” Jessica questioned without looking up from her book, even though at this point she wasn’t even reading. 

“No you don’t understand, it’s not a good thing for her to feel so disconnected to who she’s always seen herself as,” Rose glared at Reegan, “ _ he _ acts up when she’s not certain. You all know this, why am I the only one bringing it up?”

Vira stared straight at Rose, gaze piercing right through her, “you’re scared of being rejected. If Star isn’t a woman then why are you? If Star doesn’t identify with you then who will she identify with?” Vira glanced at Reegan who was smiling from his seat on the floor, tapping his fingers slowly. 

“Hey, I’m a part of Star too. I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t. Maybe we should go for a drive, to that particular stretch of highway…” Reegan stared into the middle distance, reliving a favorite recurring twisted fantasy.

“Please stop, I hate that one,” Vira hugged her knees to her chest, on the verge of tears.

Rose began pacing the living room, Padgett wanting to follow but staying where they were. “Rose… there’s nothing wrong with Star questioning herself. You know she’s never really had the vocabulary or freedom to do this before now. She could question and decide that we’re actually cisgendered. The rest of us wouldn’t have a problem with that and would switch back to she/her.. Would you have a problem going by they/them if she decides to switch to those pronouns?”

Rose stopped mid-stride. “Padge.. No no no I didn’t mean..” she couldn’t find the words to fix the heartbreak in the question. And she couldn’t deny that a very strong part of her wanted to say  _ yes, it would be a problem.  _ The silence in the room grew uncomfortably loud.

“Star!” Vira hollered and the very frazzled looking woman appeared in the mind space.

“Y'all don’t usually call me... It’s been that bad for y’all?” Star looked around and growled in the back of her throat at Reegan. “You! What the fuck bro? I get that you’re just generating ideas but wow you can get pretty demented.”

Rose cleared her throat to get the room’s attention. Padgett sat down on the couch and Jessica put their book away, clasping their hands on their lap. Rose straightened her posture before speaking, “Star, I know today has been a bit... active on our part. Would it help if we talked through this... gender identity crisis?” She bit her lip as several of the others groaned at her lack of tact and Vira facepalmed.

“I mean.. I’ve been trying different pronouns in a few online spaces, just to kind of see what it feels like. Haven’t you all been experimenting too?” Star looked around at the sides. Loren spoke up. 

“Yes, we have. Padgett and I both have been going by they/them as Logic and Morality are the least connected to gender.”

“As your self-preservation and capacity for duplicitousness, I’ve decided to go by both she/her and they them,” Jessica added.

“I always hate change so I stuck with she/her,” Vira muttered.

“I like to cause trouble so fuck it, he/him!” Reegan grinned, conjuring a fake mustache to twirl.

“It was you! You added the he/him role on that server!” Star rubbed her temples, “well that explains that. Thanks, Reegan” she finished sarcastically.

“You’re welcome!” he grinned.

“And I want to use she/her because… most of your dreams were about growing up into a woman capable of great things, and all this questioning and shifting pronouns are-” Rose hung her head in shame, “uncomfortable for me. I’m tied to most of your feminine traits too. It feels like you don’t… need me anymore.” The others all shifted uncomfortably and Star looked surprised and confused.

“Rose, that can’t be farther from the truth-” Star started but Rose quickly interrupted.

“I was okay when you realized we’re asexual. That made sense because it was never a big part of who you are. And frayromantic makes sense too, but the two of those combine just completely wreak havoc with any dreams I’ve ever had with you as a mother and a wife. Now you’re questioning if we’re even a woman and I’m your most feminine side. We've never had a problem being seen as a girl, why is it different now? You loved the prom ball gown and felt like a princess. I was so happy for you, but now was- was that wrong? Was that not supposed to be happy? Do I make you unhappy?” Rose was spiraling. Jessica stood and led her to the couch, forcing her to sit down as tears spilled down her cheeks.

“Ah, if I may,” Loren spoke softly. “I think I just made a connection between what Rose is saying and the research I’ve been doing,” they looked to Star for permission to share, glancing over at Rose and laying a hand on her knee for comfort. 

“What’s that, Loren?” Star asked.

“It appears that a lot of the confusion over gender has come about as a result of us adopting the aspec labels and interacting with other members of the queer community. Originally, I thought this was a result of exposure to trans and nonbinary peers and the freedom to use the anonymity of the internet to explore identity. However, during my research, I came across the label ‘arogender’ which means a gender or lack thereof that is affected by being aromantic or on the aromantic spectrum. This label did not initially jump out at me but perhaps that is what Rose is describing. Before discovering yourself as aspec, female-gendered ideas of yourself were generally neutral to mildly annoying and sometimes positive. Being perceived as female and told you are female did not cause a disconnect or dysphoria because it fell in line with the expectations you were told to have for yourself; things like growing up to get married or wanting to feel like a princess. As we’ve engaged more critically with amatonormativity, we’ve reconsidered many of those ideas that were tied to your concept of gender, causing the current disconnect and I believe, Rose’s distress. It could be that aromanticism has affected your gender identity,” Loren finished the spiel with a smirk, pleased with themself.

“Thank you, Loren,” Star smiled at the logical side before turning back to Rose. 

“So that just means that I’m the one causing you to question your gender,” Rose kept crying. “If it weren’t for me being aspec then none of this would have happened. I’m broken so you’re broken.”

“Rosie, we’re all a part of Star and that means we’re all aspec. It isn’t anyone’s fault. If anything, I’m the one producing unhelpful ideas that hurt Star,” Reegan spoke up from the floor, scooching over to sit at his sister’s feet.

“And being asexual and aromantic is not being broken. We’ve been much better off since finding those labels to make sense of how we’ve always felt,” Jessica reassured, rubbing Rose’s shoulders. “Being closeted isn’t fun, but I’ve got that handled and we’ve found a lot of support and have been able to help others. 

“Now Rose,” Star cut in, “regardless of identity, you keep me sane on the daily. Daydreams to help me get through work, all the content we work on together to engage with others and make friends. I think you’ve almost single-handedly prevented me from imploding my relationship with my parents by helping me cope with their bs,” Loren looked displeased, nose flaring and eyebrow raised. Vira coughed loudly, just barely hiding a loud _bullshit_. Jessica mimed pushing someone down a flight of stairs. Star sighed, “Okay not single-handedly but you’ve helped a lot with that Rose. I need you now more than ever before because now that I know myself better, we get to make new dreams for the future, create new projects, help people, and keep growing into ourselves. I can’t do that without you leading the charge.”

Rose looked up, smiling weakly, “can I still go by she/her, at least for now?” 

“I wasn’t about to ask you to change,” Star smiled back. “I kinda like that you all have your own reasons for going by different sets and it does kind of help in trying things out. Lor on the server called me a ‘sir’ the other day and it didn’t feel wrong..” she glanced at Reegan who clapped and bounced happily in place. “We’re all figuring this out together. That’s what’s important.” Star began to fade out of the mind space, leaving to let the sides continue their evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to check out all the other cool art and stories at @fander-pride-meetup on Tumblr


	4. Week 4: Acceptance- Dream On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to move forward

Rose let the pen dangle from her lips, staring at the mostly blank page in her journal. Next to her on the couch, Padgett sat making another yet friendship bracelet. Rose rested her head on the other’s shoulder and they reflexively reached over to pat her knee supportively.

“How’s it going, dear?” they asked softly, glancing over at the journal.

“It’s not. I just- can’t seem to see a future beyond where we are right now,” Rose sighed, lacing her fingers through Padgett’s. “If we’re throwing out marriage and kids, society doesn’t give a lot of other social benchmarks that don’t clash with your values so I’m kinda at a loss now.”

“Would it help to talk with Loren and Star?” 

“No, I want to have some suggestions before we have a big discussion. It’s my job to dream big, right?” 

“So why aren’t you? Dear, it sounds like you’re limiting your dreams. Star’s current life adequately keeps her alive, but surely you can dream beyond just being alive,” Padgett gave Rose’s leg a squeeze. They put down the half-finished bracelet and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, kissing the creative side’s head. “I know you can think bigger than just alive.”

Rose popped the pen out of her mouth, twirling it between her fingers. She started to write before frowning and scratching out the partial word. “I don’t know why you think I can, Padge. There’s so much that’s off the table now. It’s not like when she was young and could potentially do anything.”

“Now the Rose I know never backed down from a challenge. What did you do with her?” Padgett murmured. 

“I just feel like I’ve lost the blueprint. I have no guiding posts or signs showing that I’m going the right direction…” Rose mused for a bit before writing and scratching out  ~~_ first woman president _ ~~ . “Star is already out of college and she didn’t go into the industry she said she wanted to- frankly I’m pretty sure that was just a cover to get people to stop asking. And now ‘wife’ and ‘mother’ seem like even bigger stretches of the imagination so I’m left here at square one but now we’ve got to make sure rent is paid.”

Padgett looked thoughtful, “I think you’re limiting yourself based on what could have been but won’t be and you aren’t looking for what could be. We’re asexual, so yes ‘mother’ seems like something we wouldn’t enjoy. We’re frayro so of course ‘wife’ sounds like a terrifying long term commitment based on feelings we know won’t last. So what are other goals that Star would enjoy based on who she is, not who she thought she would be?” Rose turned to look at Padgett, eyes lit up with recognition.

“You’re right! I’ve been focusing too much on what won’t work anymore because it’s hard accepting that those dreams don’t make us happy anymore.”

“Exactly. I know it was hard for me when we all first found out about asexuality. You know.. It’s not fun realizing your morals weren’t set quite true north because of prejudice…” they got quiet, the smile fading from their face. “You’ll find a way to readjust, and when you do, you’ll see that our identity is the blueprint that you get to work from, dear.”

“There’s no point in mourning an identity or a dream that never fit in the first place…” Padgett watched as Rose’s eyes lit up and her lips cracked into a smile. The creative side started scribbling quickly, handwriting collapsing under the speed of ideas she was generating. “Thank you so much, Padge”

“Any time, dear,” Padgett sat back and picked up their bracelet again. The pretty blues of the fray flag mixed with the purple and greyscale of the ace flag were fun to work with in this geometric pattern. They glanced at the aro flag and queer chevron bracelets they were already wearing. It felt good to have a way to express all these labels that had come to be so integral to how Star understands life. Rose glanced up at the ace flag hanging proudly in the living room and smiled at Padgett before giving them a quick kiss on the cheek and returning to her ever-growing list.

Even if some of the ideas were a little unrealistic, at least Rose was inspired. It was a start. A new start. They were all going to move forward together.

And Padgett felt pretty sure they would all  _ ace _ it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for sharing this journey with me. It's been so fun exploring my own sides and how I got where I am now. Remember to check out the rest of the works at @fander-pride-meetup ^_^


End file.
